Friday, January 15, 2010

Crash Mode Today

Grrr at CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome).

I had been doing so well in my battle with CFS...making great progress. The new year started off with me pledging to take even better control of my health.

Things were going fairly well too...until yesterday that is. One of the winter activities for our homeschooling group is skating and the kids were eager to sign up. Most of the time, our group's activities are too far away for us to participate in....but this time skating was booked at an arena only 20 minutes away. Parents could join in the skate as well, if they wanted to. Even though I used to skate four nights a week....I knew better than to attempt it at this point. I was encouraged though, to learn the arena also had an indoor walking track. It rings the ice surface...up high over looking the ice... Great!...I thought. I can walk without worrying about snow, ice or rain and watch the kids as they skate...all at the same time. Bonus!

I should have known better. Larry and I did three laps...he went on to do another while I sat one out. When he finished, he joined me to see if I was up for some more. I already knew I was in trouble...I could feel it....but as stubborn as I am (get that from my Dad *wink* )....I thought I needed to push it.

Big mistake. I know better (or I should know better) than to think like that. (Pushing it works in a healthy person --- it helps increase one's fitness level...but with CFS, pushing it makes it worse. Our bodies do not produce energy the same way a healthy one does. I know I need to use less energy than I have. I know if I use it all...I will feel worse tomorrow and perhaps even worse the next day. But for whatever reason...I reverted back to traditional thinking. (Maybe it was wishful thinking..hoping I was back to normal and just needed to push it bit?)

We did three more laps.

Even bigger mistake.

As the kids were coming off of the ice, I could feel that all too familiar fatigue settling in. The fatigue is bad enough...but the achy/burning muscles that accompany it is something else. Then the onset of flu like symptoms....I'm sure I could point out where every lymph node in my body is...because they all hurt....I was sore all over.

Dinner was a bit on the pathetic side. I guess it was food at least but I always feel guilty when I'm unable to prepare a healthy meal...especially when this time, it was my own stupidity for ending up like this.

After dinner....I fell into bed in that all too familiar exhaustion. Exhaustion and fatigue are really poor words to describe the feeling of's so much worse than that. It feels like my body is starved for what it needs .... like my cells are just not getting enough oxygen.

I did not hear Larry get up at 5:30 (I am a light sleeper and always hear everything). The alarm (radio) is set for 6:00 and it played for 15 minutes before I kind of...sort of heard it ...way off in the distance. It was like I'd been matter how hard I tried...I just couldn't seem to wake up. Yep...I felt worse today than I did yesterday.

The whole day has been like that. My body feels like lead. I ache all over. All my muscles hurt. My sides are sore..even the slightest touch causes immense pain. I am swollen...all through my neck, under my arms....all over. The ringing in my ears is almost unbearable. I've slept...a lot...none of it refreshing at all.

I'm so hoping I haven't undone all the progress I've made over the last little while. I should have known better...but I want to be healthy again. I want to be able to take part in activities with my kids...instead of having to watch from the sidelines. I's all about pacing myself. I thought I had that down...but apparently not. Back to the drawing board...but hoping I don't have to start all over from the beginning again.


Jacqueline said...

Oh dear! Hope you are feeling better soon

Linda said...

I'm sorry to hear that. However, your kids at least have seen you skate, unlike mine. So they will think you are fantastic.

Renee said...

I am so sorry this has happened. The best thing you can do now is not beat yourself up, but rest rest rest and hopefully this will not last a long time. One of my friends in my online CFS group says, "Feeling better is dangerous". It is so hard not to want to soar when we feel better!
I used to compare it to someone opening the birdcage and I would go out and fly and fly with great abandon and freedom...but then I always ended up back in my cage :(.
You are in my thoughts and prayers for a swift recovery from your relapse.

At Home on the Rock... said...

Thanks, Jacqueline. The nature of this illness is to be always some extent. I'm hoping to learn to live with and manage/control it somewhat. It's a difficult balance to reach...but I'm still hopeful I can reach it.

Thanks, Linda. Who knows....perhaps one day, I will be able to skate again. That would be great!

Renee...Thanks so much for your encouragement. I know you've 'been there and done that' too. I like your comparison to the birdcage...that is so true. I know you're right about not beating myself up too....hind sight is 20/20 for sure. I guess I still need to work on pacing myself....both day to day (which I was handling quite well) as well as long term (never even thought of this until now). This journey is such a learning experience!

Praying for you as well!

Shannon said...

Oh Linda! I'm so sorry to hear that. How frustrating! Praying you haven't lost the progress you've made and that you're energy level will increase quickly this time!

At Home on the Rock... said...